Musings..

Of Indian Movies and Insanity

2010-08-18T22:16:00.000-07:00

Bollywood. Long, convoluted, impossible love stories with the leading men and women going into collective colorful dreams running around trees (or around the Pyramid/Opera house, if the producer has enough money).

Indian cinema had successfully conceptualised and mastered the idea of collective dreams(It is time Christopher Nolan admitted that his Inception was inspired by Bollywood) when Hollywood was struggling with black and white cinema.

Many think that drama, emotion, love, sex behind shaking plants and kisses behind flowers bumping into each other in approval is ALL to Bollywood.

Ignorance. I pity them.

Fights. Chases. Dhushum dhushum. Right from the age of plastic swords, rubber snakes and super fast cycles to the Mission Impossible Balakrishna in a recent Tollywood (Telugu movie factory which churns out more movies a year than the number of serials Ekta Kapoor ever managed) flick, it has been the action which set Indian movies apart.

While the actors, directors, musicians, etc. steal undeserved limelight, the beacons of creativity in the pedestrian darkness of the great Indian movie industry from Bollywood to BhojpuriWood have actually been the action choreographers.

How would you otherwise explain the task of turning a middle aged, bald (enough to play professional ping pong on the head), huge (enough to get a zip code of his own) actor into a super hero?

Our choreographers often thought out of the box, over the roof, under the vehicles and through the walls. I wish sky was their limit, but it was almost always the hero's pot belly.

And if all the creative thinking didnt help, they had the goons to fall back on. Feather light, dumb and bald,(fair competition to the hero, sans the makeup), they would fight with the hero in an easy, predictable round robin basis. Sometimes a goon can actually somersault 4 to 5 times in the air before falling with an expression beyond words on a fragile wooden table.

Some people say that these action scenes are funny, sick and crazy.

Establishment sell-outs, pseudo intellectuals and morons, I say!

I salute the creme de la of our cinema with a few awe inspiring action scenes...

My Name Is Thackeray

2010-02-11T00:11:00.000-08:00

My Name Is Thackeray.

I live in 1966.

While the whole world zoomed past me into the 21st century, I still do not get the concept of peace and harmony in a cosmopolitan society.

I strongly believe that if it were not for my valiant efforts, Mumbai would have been the capital of Bangladesh. Or worse, some Gajodhar Srivastava would have been the Chief Minister of Maharashtra.

I write fiery editorials and make inflammatory speeches for a living. If I am not busy with either of these, I give ultimatums and accept apologies. I hold the world record for giving 3657045 ultimatums and getting 254 apologies.

I am the Rajnikanth of bullying industry, iPhone of hate speeches and the God Of All Fanatic Things.

I hate muslims. I hate south Indians. I hate north Indians. I hate Pakistan, Mongolia, Venezuela, Congo, Zimbabwe and Peru for no specific reason. I just love to hate.

My incredible appetite for hate and an uncanny ability to use it to win votes have helped me rake up the religious and regional sentiments on multiple occasions resulting in the death of hundreds of Marathi Manoos.

I sometimes think that I am stuck in a time warp from which I cannot and do not want to emerge. My old age and an extremely incompetent son do not make things any easier.

But I am sure my legacy would be carried forward by my nephew aaj ka Goonda"Raj". His brazen acts of violence, his utter disrespect for democratic values and above all, his abhorence for anything remotely related to pandey, chauhan or Srivastava make me immensely proud.

Seriously, how can a movie made in Mumbai be named My Name Is Khan and not My Name Is Kulkarni?

My name is Thackeray. And I am insane.

The Dance Of Indian Democracy

2009-05-28T00:44:00.000-07:00

Elections in any democracy are about numbers. Indian democracy is different. Our elections are ONLY about numbers.

Astronomical numbers with their googloplex permutations make Indian elections a mathematician's delight, a politician's nightmare and an all elusive mystery.

For starters, 420 million out of 710 million registered voters chose 543 members of the Indian parliament from among nearly 7000 candidates in 5 different phases of polling in around 800,000 polling stations spread across 28 states in a process which spanned over a month!

This is just the macro-political picture! These numbers assume humungous complexity if you start thinking about nearly 500 registered political parties in fray, most of which rake up the religious, regional, caste, linguistic sentiments of a billion people belonging to more than 10 religions with "i cant figure out how many castes" speaking more than 20 languages.

If only elections were an olympic game!! We would never need an occasional Abhinav Bindra to shoot for a lone Gold medal :-)

Gold and riches apart, Indian election game is an awe inspiring drama which makes Bollywood look pedestrian. In the past so many months, while the Indian democracy danced in all its naked splendor to the tunes of the crowds, color, campaigns, slogans, speeches, dynasties, what not, what not, my emotions varied from euphoria to despair and from exasperation to pride.

From the behenji in UP who dreams, begs, pleads and shouts to be the PM to "jab tak rahega samose mein aalu tab tak rahega bihar mein" lalu to the suicidal Jayaprada to the Marathi Manoos Raj Thackeray, Indian politics is full of characters that drive you crazy.

And you thought McCain/Palin vs Obama was exciting to follow!

Healthcare, economy, energy and national security are passe and boring! Keep it simple - "Free Color TV", "Free movie tickets to watch your chief minister dance and fight" and "Free electricity" are so much more fun to hear and talk about!

Its time Obama learnt a few things on governance from Lalu, Karunanidhi, Mulayam and some acting from Chiranjeevi to add some flair to US politics! :-) I wouldnt mind a free house!

Keep watching this space for more on what has been a breathtaking exercise of human will in India!

Run'a'way Dog!

2008-10-02T01:14:00.000-07:00

March 27, 2008.

9 20 PM.

Bangalore HAL Airport.

I hate the boarding queues. Walking through those cramped, dome topped lanes always makes me feel like being led as a specimen into an experimental chamber. Glass doors, a few skeletons and hairy, psycho scientists working on wierd instruments; ek dam 80's bollywood style wealthy villain's setup.

Things can be a bit different if you know that 2 hot KingFisher air hostesses would welcome you aboard at the end of the lane. And things can be very different if you get to see Deepika Padukone from within 2 meters while you conjure up all those gory images! Yes I saw Deepika for a few moments(Contrary to my expectation, she looked human and was hotter than Chennai!) and even before I could start drooling, she was escorted into a different plane.

N series fones were suddenly in demand as people around me frantically clicked her as if she was going to leave her human form in a few minutes and metamorphose into an ostrich.

I am a true American when it comes to moments like these - I do not waste precious time in saving the moment in a camera, but savor the beauty in front of me as long as I can; its a completely different matter that the alarm was the most advanced feature in my Nokia 1100.

Before I forget, let me tell you that I hate Ranbir Kameena Kapoor.

"Welcome to the KingFisher XXX flight to Hyderabad. This is Mmopi, your captain. The weather is pleasant in Hyderabad and its going to be 60 minutes from take off to landing. Sit back and enjoy your journey with us! blah blah blah."

I sat back at row 15, tightened my seat belt a bit too hard for my comfort and started looking through the window as the aircraft gained speed. I heard a noise and saw a huge flash of light. Even before I realized what it was, the aircraft was wobbling vigorously like a speeding rickshaw on Hosur road. And then there was smoke...so much that I couldn't see anybody around for a few seconds and I thought about my eventual death and how ridiculous it would be to die in an aircraft which didn't even take off!! Damn..I couldn't even use my life jacket and where the **** is my mask???

"Bend down, stay down, bend down, stay down" screamed the hostesses (they were not yet the AIR hostesses u see). Their voice was more threatening than the smoke which engulfed the whole aircraft triggering a chained coughing reaction. I started to think of what to think and what not to think minutes before you die...when suddenly the back door was pushed open and out came the new screams "Jump Down..Back Door..Jump Down..Back Door". I tried to unfasten my seat belt and ****!! it doesn't come out..once..twice..thrice..shittt..I just cannot get rid of my seat belt..as I glanced back..most people had actually jumped off!

Now this would be a real chindi chor death I thought, if the plane blasts off with me left inside trying to pull my seat belt off!! I shouted for help..once..twice..thrice..and here came the hostess to my rescue as she let me free in just a single try!!(I still cant understand why I couldn't pull my belt off myself in the first place!)

And I ran..albeit the last one to do so and jumped off from the 6 foot high platform onto the runway. "Run off" shouted the hostess like the "GO" in a running competition. It was a sight to see nearly 20 people run ahead of you across the runway for a new lease of life! Enter the grass and as I saw people falling ahead of me, I quickly realized that I had volunteered to be part of a thrilling new game to reach a safe point away from the runway running through the grass with minimal light and a huge number of ditches hidden by the grass. All the 25 of us finally did finish the game(although a few lost crucial points for getting injured in multiple pits) to reach a pathway, nearly 300 meters away from the runway to catch a glimpse of our flight which somehow refused to take off. If you know the aircraft lingo , the landing gear was very badly damaged and for the rest, the aircraft looked like an injured lizard with its front limbs cut off.

Ambulances..fire extinguishers..police...reporters..and we were off to where I saw Deepika.

It was only after a few minutes that I got the biggest shock of the day! WE WERE HIT BY A DOG!!!

A DOG! Yeah a f***ing freaked up dog it was which decided to take its life along with 30 humans and a huge machine.

A dog on a runway??? Is it possible? Was it the only animal around or were we sharing the runway with the Bangalore Zoo? And were we the first to be attacked by a.. suicide dogger..like a suicide bomber?

It didn't make any sense instantly, but as I recollected the cumulative loss that the canines next door caused to me all through my life, everything started falling in place; it was not completely incredible, I thought.

Dogs; they come in different breeds, with varying colors, heights, attitudes and propensities...and they all stink!!

I have feared dogs for as long as I can remember; my worst nightmares till date have had lots of dogs in them; I woke up at least a dozen times trying to run as fast as I could from a bunch of street dogs. And here I was, waiting at the airport for many hours as a jehadi suicide bomber of a dog wanted to take a stroll on the runway.

Some of my favorites..

My favorite food - Hot Dogs

My favorite book - How to kill 200 dogs in 2 minutes?

My favorite pastime 1 - Collecting stones that can hurt the dogs the most.

My favorite pastime 2 - Hitting the dogs from the 1st floor with these stones until its time to get back to pastime 1.

My favorite one-liner - Dogs and bitches not allowed.

I hate Maneka Gandhi.

And I have no regrets!

WTF!!

2008-10-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

I just cant believe this..

3 more blasts in the last 4 days and a monstrous stampede!

When will all this end?? Do we have a plan?

I m depressed and don't have any more words!

When is the next blast??

2008-09-29T02:03:00.000-07:00

Another blast in Delhi. And this time, just two!! Goddammit...just 2!!!

Its a black day for Indian terrorism. The Indian terrorist has disappointed me, big time. Shame on you!!

Just 2 people, in a crowded market place? Now that's extremely cheap, an auto accident would have managed better! The Indian Institutes Of Terrorism have lost their credibility today on the world stage. I mean blasts like these dont even deserve a 4th page mention in a local evening news paper; forget about a security beefup in North America.

Now that they have failed as a terrorist outfit and tarnished the image of terrorist India, Indian Mujahideen has tough questions to face..

Have we run short of true terrorists? Arent our terrorists going through proper training? Have they suddenly forgotten the art of making decent bombs? Are we keeping ourselves abreast of the rapidly changing strategies of our terrorist brethren from Iraq to Indonesia and from Bosnia to Bangladesh?

Most importantly have our terrorists lost sight of their mission to TERRORIZE people! At least I wont be terrorized by these common place Diwali phataks every week; our government has never been terrorized for that matter. As if this wasn't enough shame, the bomb planters are being seen by the crowd as they do their act!! Aaahh..these are basics arent they? Kind of a fundamental lesson a pick pocket at the Majestic bus stand would have learned! And we are talking about the biggest threat to humanity!!

The only thing these weekly, meekly attacks manage is to throw more shit at the already stinking Indian home ministry.

The Indian security game is now like a Zimbabwe Vs Bangladesh test match. Ordinary attack, pathetic defense and diminishing interest. The terrorists let the whole country know their address, how they look like and what they might do next, but the "blessed" home minister of India doesn't have a clue of who might steal cutlery from his kitchen in the next few days, let alone stop terrorists attacking the capital every other day.

Jokes apart, I understand that it is very difficult in a large, dense, diverse, democratic country to curtail these acts. But then, what have we seriously done in the past 10 years other than throwing mud at each other while thousands die every year. We do big talk about the economic super power we are going to be, about the incredible potential we hold, blah blah blah. But at the end of the day, we are a clueless set of people who never seem to value the life of a person; after all that is the only thing we have in abundance (of course, in addition to the terrorist attacks).

Back again!

2008-09-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

I just realized that it has been ages since I wrote anything!

A spasmic urge while reading some stuff prompted me to vomit something urgently on my space here.

Cant say that my work kept me away from Bloggersville...I wish I could say that! :-)

I just have been my usual rank lazy self..in fact of late I have developed an enviable expertise in sleeping anywhere, anytime..and find it extremely difficult to squeeze in anything constructive between my multiple sleeping sessions.

The nearest I came to doing anything constructive in the past few months has been to learn to cook! No big deal..dal fry, omelette, rice..but that's like a quantum leap for someone who's greatest culinary achievement has been frying peanuts! Thanks to a nagging roomie(KK the DOG), I will not have to do the dishes every day.

Yeah, I learned to drive...I get confused between the accelerator and the brake, cant park the car and find it difficult to turn or change lanes..but in between numerous lapses, I actually manage.

And a month back I went all the way near Gustav to get evacuated. A thriller of how a vacation in Florida turned into an Evac(u)ation. We had plans to party at a city which was quickly turning into a ghost town...and then I was part of probably the biggest evacuation drive here..(2 million left Louisiana in 2 days!). More on this thriller later.

I left a company which I thought I would never leave, jumped from 2 airplanes(One with a parachute), jet skied on lake Shasta, saw some amazing places along the pacific coast and fell in love with my work multiple times.

I guess I have vomited enuf for the day and its time to sleep..will be back in a few days with full length cover stories and much more..

Stay tuned!

Jodha Akbar

2008-03-06T02:24:00.000-08:00

Jodha Akbar. The only thing short about this movie is the title.

4 hour long movie with an interval after 2 hours! Dialogues long enough to be disqualified in many elocution competitions. Rooms the size of a railway station in forts of incomprehensible dimensions. 6 foot hunk, huge emperor of India romancing a stunning princess who was born with a ring to her nose which grew into a cycle tyre by the time she was 18 (I bet Ash would have undergone a plastic surgery to get her sagging nose back to shape after a breathtaking weightlifting act with her nose).

And plates!! Akbar and his generals eat in plates big enough to feed a dozen elephants for a few weeks!

I missed about 10 mins of the start thanks to my hunt for a burger. But what is 10 mins..in an Ashutosh Gowariker's movie - may be a dialogue or two or a single stroll of the hero. Strolls, JA is as much about romance as about the lonely walks of Akbar. It is already 12 hours since I saw the movie and the picture that comes to my mind is that of Hritik walking leisurely through his grand forts.

Okay..the story is this - Jalaaluddin (There are actually 5 prefixes and 26 suffixes to his name, which fortunately werent taken in every introduction to Akbar..else..I would have been in the theater even now :D) in his quest to bring the whole of India under the Moghul rule agrees to marry a Raput Princess (hhmm..how can anyone do otherwise if the princess is as beautiful as Ash). This marriage transforms Akbar into the first Muslim ruler of India winning the hearts of Indian masses(There is a song...in praise of Akbar..which looks like the first version of Milein Sur Mera tumhaaraa....people from most parts of India..performing before the emperor).

Jodha, it seems had to actually get converted to Islam and take the title Mairam-Uz-Zamani and was actually the third and not the last wife of Akbar. And he wasnt all that "Aman savvy" as shown in the movie.

Putting the question of the authenticity of the story aside, Ashutosh does a decent job in keeping people in the theater for 4 hours even after blowing a love story into such a lengthy saga. All the grandeur did pay off! :-)

At a few moments you feel that AG is blissfully unaware of a highly developed field in modern day cinema known as editing. You cant help feeling that you are seeing a chronicle of the protaganist's life :D

I pray he doesnt make a movie about Atal Bihari Vajpaaye or Jyoti Basu..the movie tickets would have to be booked along with hotel rooms :-)

Well..it seems there was an editor..Ballu Saluja..watch out for this guy..he will ensure you will see two movies at the price of one!

Finally, if you plan to watch this movie, please take care of these things

1. U r not concentrating on understanding the dialogues - its very tough!! People come up with these well crafted, superbly pronounced stuff seconds before they die! :D Just go by the flow..you know the story anyways! :-)

2. Dont go for a second show - its very difficult to find an auto by the time the movie ends....a good idea if you had to go for a second show is wait for a couple of hours for dawn to break.

3. U can sleep off very comfortably at any time. As my friend figured out, even after taking a nice nap, Hritik was still looking at Ash with those expectant eyes(Aaaah...its a real sight..seeing Ash and Hritik look at each other without saying much for months! :D)

Untitled Story - 1

2008-02-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

"All characters are products of my imagination. Any resemblance is purely coincidental :D"

Jan 8 2004
"I never looked at you that way. I always felt that you were a good friend!!" Pranay was dazed as he continued to gaze at the screen blankly. The letters started dancing in his eyes, but however convoluted they were, they combined to scream the same ugly message. It was already 10 minutes since he started reading the mail, but he still had not read the remaining 5 lines of the response.He wasnt making an effort either; what remained promised to be an urgently scripted elegy of an infamous, premature death.

It was 20 minutes and he came to life as the screen saver with the bold letters of PRANEETI started hitting the corners of the old screen lazily, as if it was cursed into doing this!

The letters grew in size in a geometric progression and blew out of proportions..the red 360 font was the only thing Pranay could see now! He was shaken out of his consciousness...and when he woke up, he could see the letters slowly vanishing in waves before his eyes. 5:15 AM, Room No. 104, D Hostel. Hardly an hour since he slept off after a valiant 3 hour effort to capture some sleep. He felt as if he had some mental disease nobody could ever cure! A mind blacked out by thoughts out of reason, out of comprehension! Should he tell her..or should he not??
hhmm...forget about this.."Is it Me??" "Am I Smitten??"

Sep 22 2000

First day of college, Second day in hostel and the third in Kerala. A religious non-believer in GOD, Pranay had never expected to land up in the GOD's own country :D And what a place it was!! As he sat near the window seat of Cochin express, he could see how eerily different Kerala was from Andhra. Trees..trees..and more trees..in almost every possible direction!! Coming from a predominantly rocky, arid and concrete Hyderabad, it was nothing short of a huge undiscovered rain forest and he started feeling like an investigator for the National Geographic :D

7:55 AM, MB 104, Regional Engineering College, Calicut. MB 104 was just another class room in a government college. Modest seating arrangement in a building with a 40 year heritage fit to be declared a national monument. Seated in the second bench from the last, Pranay was disillusioned. "Not Again!!" .. "Where have I landed!!!". After two days of torture by seniors, the last thing he expected was to find himself among 30 GUYS in an engineering class room!! Boys school, Boys college and now..a Boys Only Engineering Class for 4 more years!!

He started a silent prayer for his orientation to remain intact if he were to continue here :D May be he was praying a bit too hard as he missed something that the whole class was suddenly engrossed at. The guy next to him, who looked like a cross between a MIT drop out and someone maintaining a Punjabi restaurant, wore such an eager, expectant look on his face that Pranay knew the worst was over :D

8:05 AM.

"Present Sir"..the voice was soft and held a slight melodious tune. Pranay got the first glimpse of the girl on his right bench as she completed a rather slow, extended motion to sit back after answering Prof Paul. Preeti, Roll No. 33 - 5'5, slightly heavily built with beautiful, long dense hair that seemed to have covered her from every side. Her hair fell in such a luxurious tumble over her shoulders and back that Pranay couldnt see her face beyond that sheen. He cursed himself for not looking at her as she walked in..but how could he..in just about a minute there was an avalanche ofgirls from nowhere!

3 hours and repeated introductions later, it was time for the next round of introductions at the workshop. As Prof RamaKrishna called out the Lab Groups and asked them to be seated together, Pranay for the first time saw that face beneath the huge blanket of hair. Preeti wasnt a ravishing beauty. Clear, almond-shaped black eyes beneath a pair of exquisitely carved eye brows. Wheatish complexion, with a nose in proportion to her slightly large, symettric face which would have looked a bit quirky to many, but to Pranay, she was real pretty! A look at her face will make you feel she has been eternally chewing some gum like a hamster! Her lips were pale pink which bent into a splendid arc when she smiled. There was an aura of light heartedness around her; kind of a friendly attitude you see with people who make 4-5 friends a day :D And when she smiled, which she continously did on the first day too, it was a hearty, mischievous one; as if she had a secret which she shared just with you which caused her to smile!

Prashant Agarwal, the quentessential Bhaiyya from UP, seated next to Pranay said something; Pranay didnt know what, but looking at Preeti laugh, he felt it must have been extremely hilarious. She swayed frantically and clapped her hands graciously in a swift movement of ecstasy; her wonderfully expressive eyes sparkled in delight..her left brow slanted at the same angle as her face did to the left as she looked at Pranay - It was like a courteous welcome to have fun as she was having! Pranay unconsciously threw back a smile at her. Her face wrinkled into such a beautiful shape, like a carefully constructed machine creating pure perfection, that he wished Prashant says something more funny :D

Pranay had an instinctive crush on her. He felt like seeing a replete version of Amisha Patel he adored in Kaho Na Pyaar Hai a few months back. There was something mischievous about her that made her look quaintly beautiful. He had a few crushes in the past few years, but having a crush on your lab partner was surely going to be something else!

What a first day!! As he started his walk past the numerous coconut trees on the way back to the hostel..his brain started scripting stories he would live through in the next few years!!

"May Roll No. 32 and 33 Live Happily Ever After!!!"...

Ameeen!! :-)

Hoowwwzzaaat!!

2008-01-05T04:14:00.001-08:00

10 - 12 AM. The first session. The ball swings and seams. Even if it doesnt, you need to give the respect to the bowler that he deserves. Not shouldering to atleast a couple of balls in every over means irreverence to the game :-)

12 - 12:40 PM. The mid-on fielder would have hardly moved his feet when its lunch time. And what a lunch it is!! Marriage dinners are shorter than test match lunches!! :-)

12:40 - 2:40 PM. As per the protocol, even if Dodda Ganesh and Paul Adams are bowling in tandem, you better play safe atleast for half an hour - play yourself in after an eternity of a lunch break! :-)

2:40 - 3 PM. Break again. Tea this time to take stock of the action or the absence of it :-)

3 - 5 PM. For an hour, batsmen actually get bored watching the bowlers and the keeper throwing the ball at each other and realise in sublime moments what they are capable of. A few overs and a few boundaries later, everybody is playing for the day, a day which got bad to worse to ugly in three sessions of unbearably boring cricket!!

This schedule repeated for 4 more days and by tea time of the third day half of the fielders would be seen sleeping near boundary :-)

That was test match cricket in India in the early 1990s. Apart from the final 2 stages of French Open and Wimbledon,Test match cricket was the nearest to anything LIVE on Doordarshan. The action though was far from being LIVE, it was dead as a dodo with sleepy commentators talking about their childhood memories while the action on the field resembled a funeral of an old monarch! Test match cricket in those days was actually a Test of Patience and a Match of Inaction :D

Me really short of overs now....and true to the spirit of early 90 Test Cricket will inhibit my intention to slog and call it a day :-)

Do watch out this space for more of the Hoowzzaaat series..from a true Indian (Read a true maniacal fan of cricket :D)

Chak Diyaaa India!!!

2007-09-27T23:29:00.000-07:00

4:45 PM. Hosur Road was just recuperating from a stressful morning rush hour and there was a semblance of sanity about the Baap Of All Roads!

Sanity is an attribute you can seldom associate with Hosur Road and it ceased to exist this monday evening. At around 5 PM, it seemed the whole of Bangalore was on an exodus to Hyderabad. Space-time froze again and all the drivers became extremely "Horn"y :-)

I should have expected all this; after all, India is the land of a billion cricket fanatics!! And missing India in action in a world cup final is tantamount to disservice to the nation!! And what a match it promised to be; India beat England,South Africa and Australia in the previous three matches and were on the threshold of lifting the world cup after a 24 year hiatus.

India Vs Pakistan - The World Cup Final!!!! It just cannot get better than this!!

May be I was dreaming; May be the whole of India was dreaming!! Dreams are a luxury you ill afford on Hosur Road; Reality bit us very quickly and it was a nightmare near BommanHalli :-)

Sports they say is that theater of human emotions where only unscripted drama rules; It surely did in the last 2 weeks in South Africa.

We were old, slow, meek, ugly, predictable and boring a few months back when we were knocked out of the biggest tournament of the game in the very first stage!! It was definitely not a shock - we had professional actors in the team who considered cricket a side business and we had Munaf Patel who believed that diving on the field amounts to blasphemy :-)

The show dragged on and the tournament lasted for a few more months in remote grounds where the players out numbered the ground staff and the audience combined :-)

A fortnight ago, to give India a chance in the 20-20 world cup would have been like expecting to see Rajesh Khanna driving a 1000 CC bike in Dhoom 3 :-)

I think Dhoni and his boys hardly cared if anybody gave them a chance; India rose like a phoenix from its own ashes in the last few weeks to script a spectacular ascent to the finals.

Back to Monday. In the race against time, I lost by 15 minutes and Yousuf Pathan was out minutes after I reached home.

For an hour, it seemed the Indian batsmen had it under control; It was like the calm before the Yuvraj Storm. Yuvraj, in sublime touch took batting to heights unattainable in international cricket; He batted as if he had been waiting for a decade to play in the 20-20 world cup.

Umar Gul, with the look of a breed of dog I cannot name, almost spoiled the party for India before young Rohit Sharma played as if he was batting on a Mumbai street after school hours to take India to 157.

I felt it was enough and for a moment, Imran Nazir made me believe that it was just a figment of my imagination. He continued from where he left off in the previous match until Robin Uthappa showed why India, beating all expectations was in the world cup final. With fire in their bellies, Dhoni's boys played like possessed fighters, there to prove a point. Noo..they were doing much more than that; it seemed they were having the best times of their life there - youthful exuberance unseen previously in Indian cricket.

Franklin D Roosevelt, the legendary US president said that Fear is the Only thing we need to fear about; And fear was conspicuous with its absence in the Indian contingent as it put reputations to rest.

Shahid Afridi, a 23 year old for the past 7 years was out the first ball and everyone thought it was the end of the road for Pakistan. Misbah Ul Haq at the other end was busy calculating moves, runs and balls with unmatched precision to take the match to the wire; Dream Finish to a Dream Final! :-)

Joginder Sharma prevailed and phewwww...we WON THE WORLD CUP!!

9 PM - I havent seen scenes like that in Bangalore before and dont expect to see in the near future.

Cricket truly galvanised India once more!!.

Dhoni And Team....YOU ROCK!!

CHAK DIYAAA INDIA!! :-)

Myth And Reality

2007-09-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

September 12th 2007 was an exceptionally unique day in the history of India - the government of a country with an 80 crore Hindu population said that the greatest King in Hindu mythology may not have actually existed!!

Pheww..for a second I thought I was hearing a forecast of the news in 2027!! My happiness was shortlived; there was nothing unique about Sept 13 - within a day, we degraded back to common place politics with the Law Minister making unlawful, sweeping statements about Ram.

The Ram-Sethu project, in all probability, might be off and Tamil Nadu may lose a lot of business. But to me, this misadventure by the government is one of its best achievements so far. It has set the ball rolling on one of the oldest and most vital debates of all time - Myth vs Reality in particular and science vs religion in general.

From times immemorial, the three-letter word GOD has instigated more hatred and love, peace and violence, passion and mithya than what the rest of all concepts could cumulatively manage.

One of the first words to be taught to a child is GOD; and the last word most people try to speak before they die is GOD..not to forget the innumerable times GOD is spoken, taught, read, heard and thought of, in between!!

It is not my aim here to prove the existence/non existence of GOD. I am just intrigued by what is in store for the human race because of the dichotomy in approaching religion(or GOD) and everything else.

As the world becomes smaller, flatter and smarter by the day and as institutions, people and societies are scruntinised in every possible way, how can religion and faith remain untouched by rationale and ridicule? And how long will it continue?

When you talk about religion and God, all other things are trumped over - a fact the self proclaimed cultural saviors of our nation have successfully institutionalised in the last 2 decades. People become emotional, hysterical and extremely irrational when you question anything about their faith.

Douglas Adams had this to say on the trump card that religion is......."Religion..has certain ideas at the heart of it which we call sacred or holy or whatever. What it means is, 'Here is an idea or a notion that you are not allowed to say anything bad about; you are just not. Why not? - because you are not!' If somebody votes for a party that you dont agree with, you are free to argue about it as much as you like; everybody will have an argument but nobody feels aggrieved by it. If somebody thinks taxes should go up or down you are free to have an argument about it. But on the other hand if somebody says 'I must not move a light switch on a saturday', you say, 'I respect that'."

An extension to this in the context of the present issue..

ASI says "The characters of Ramayana are fictitious and there is no evidence to prove that Ram existed and the Ram-Sethu is a natural formation and not a man-made construction".

SPCB(Self Proclaimed Cultural Brigade) says "You dare not say that".

ASI asks "Why not??"

SPCB says "You just cannot".

A famous shloka from Bhagavatam in Telugu says "Never doubt if GOD is present here and absent there..GOD is all-pervasive..you just need to look around, he is present everywhere!" Well Ram is omni-present and why the hell are we making a fuss about just the Ram-Sethu project?? Why not the Bangalore International Airport? In all possibility, Ram might have made his foot impressions there!!

Given this ambiguity, I think SPCB would need the validation more than anybody else - they would know precisely when andwhere to object :-)

I like many characters of Ram and so do millions of Indians...Ram is a legend that does not need any physical existence to inspire and amaze.

But it is time we understand the difference between a myth and reality.

Happy Independence Day..

2007-08-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

"A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step from the old into the new, when an age ends, and when the soul of a nation, long suppressed, finds utterance. It is fitting that at this solemn moment we take the pledge of dedication to the service of India and her people..."...Nehru uttered these magical words with his baritone voice in the constituent assembly at the midnight hour 60 years ago. He couldnt have been more correct in his assessment. We as a nation were so oppressed for centuries that once we had a lent to our voices, we found utterance and took pledges; and in some ways did only that! For 60 years after Nehru delivered his inspirational speech in the parliament house, we took to speeches as if its a way of life :-)

"Respected Head Master, teachers and my dear friends, today we are celebrating the 60th Independence day of India. We got our independence through a non-violent struggle under the leadership of Mahatma Gandhi, Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru........" these would be the precise lines in which atleast a few thousand high school kids would be addressing their school assemblies today.

"Mahatma Gandhi said that he will regard India to be truly independent only when women of India gather enough courage to walk freely on the streets @ 2 in the night", a woman chief guest @ a Govt Office.

"Jai Jawan Jai Kisan...Garibi Hataao,Bekaari Mitaao..." political leaders at innumerable functions across the length and breadth of the country.

Considering that Communist China doesnt celebrate its independence day with the same zest as we do, today would be a unique day in the history of mankind! Maximum number of speeches delivered in a country in a single day!! Every lane and every office would have reverberated today with grand patriotic speeches customized out of a handful of templates. It is so very easy, predictable and boring - the independence day celebration; you know what you are going to hear! :-)

Speeches apart, I am proud of my country. India mesmerizes me more than anything else..more on this in the next one :-)

Happy Independence Day!!

The Baap Of All Roads!!

2007-08-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

"Among the demons I am Prahlada. Among the calculators I am time. Among the animals I am the lion and among the birds I am Garuda" - Shloka #29, Chapter #10, Bhagavad Gita. The latest version of the Gita should read "Among the roads..I am the Hosur Road" :-)

To non-Bangaloreans, Hosur road is the strip of National Highway 7 connecting Bangalore and Hosur (The border town of Tamil Nadu). To Bangaloreans like me, its everything!!

Long long ago..so long ago..precisely 32 months back(Seems ages now..the road has already eaten away 2 months of my life!) I made a tryst with destiny :-)..While the whole world started zooming past in 6 lanes at unimaginable speeds, I decided to sit back, read, think and shake hands with fellow commuters in the neighbouring buses :-) No..it wasnt completely my decision..it seemed the whole of Bangalore conspired to teach me a few lessons.

The rest is history..during the 2 months that I spent on THE ROAD, my emotions varied from despair to anger and from helplessness to exasperation..but one thing remained constant during this love affair - I was in awe with the road, the vehicles, the drivers and even myself!! :-)

The first time I saw the BommanHalli junction, I didnt have words.."Ohh Myyyy Gooddddd!!!" It seemed I had been living in God forgotten sleepy places all my life, places the automobile industry of India seemed to have ignored for decades! Its an insult to call BommanHalli a place....its a phenomenon..its a celebration of exceptional driving skills, spectacular vision and the wonders of human instinct.

What makes this phenomenon so awesome is the absence of rules..you define your way and you decide your rules. I guess Max Plank wouldnt have a better example to describe quantum mechanics - charged drivers fighting it out in a jam packaged junction where predicting the path and velocity of any moving particle is next to impossible :-)

BommanHalli has an aura around it..people feel liberated when they come here; Pedestrians walk as if the road is an extension of their verandas :-) Most of the bikers behave as if the world is going to end in around 20 minutes and they have to reach BTM or Koramangala before that - they get their bikes to do things that no cylist would even imagine in his wildest dreams! If you are riding a two-wheeler on Hosur Road and you are not innovative and flexible, you are a disgrace to the road..you will be stranded there, negating the chances of other enterprising bikers trying to do some fancy stuff.

I forgot to mention about trucks. Hosur road and BommanHalli junction are incomplete without the trucks. Trucks come here in various sizes, shapes, colors and even odors (The difference in odor is more of a varying degree than kind - they all stink!!) . But all of them have one thing in common - Every driver of these possessed machines feels that Hosur Road is their family property from the 16th century. We shouldnt expect much from them..after all they are doing a service to the nation by allowing others to share the road.

Being an avid "truck-watcher", I am seriously concerned by the growing number of buses on the Hosur Road..."growing" actually is an understatement; they are exploding! More than at the Stock Exchange, software companies in Electronics City seem to be fighting on Hosur Road for the coveted prize of the maximum number of buses. Neat, huge buses are now a symbol of pride, power and success! Procession of buses..hundreds of them between 5 and 9 PM choke the Hosur Road and pose a threat to the rights of the truck drivers over their property!

Justice will prevail someday and I will stand by the truck drivers :-)

But I can not stand the elevated fly-over that is coming up on the road. ..its a blot on the face of the road and threatens to damage the "traffic fabric" of the road. Even before it has come up, it has worsened the situation; It takes me hardly 30 minutes on the road to reach the office! :-( Gone are the days when I used to see half of Bangalore's vehicles at BommanHalli :-((

In the last 6 months though, the project has turned the road into a site for the X-Games...a part of the road going up at 60 degrees and the other going down at 45...a hole every 5 meters and a bump every 10. You feel as if you are not driving on the road, but on its isometric view; no need to say..its thrilling! :-)

Nevertheless, the elevated project (I somehow feel they are actually constructing an oil refinery..seeing the huge drilling machines there :-) ) will take the shine off the road. Imagine travelling on the Hosur road uninterrupted and reaching the office in 15 minutes!! It would be like seeing Sanjay Manjrekar hit a test match century in 50 balls! :-)

The only view you will get from your windows will be of the trees and of the buildings..what about the buffaloes, bullock carts and the humanity that we see everyday?? What about the jobs of all those traffic policemen, who with their magical rods could never control the traffic? Hosur road will never be same again (May be we will have a strategy video game someday simulating the exact road and traffic conditions..should be a hit!!).

Well..there are roads...and there is HOSUR ROAD!! :-)

Gokarna..Continued

2007-08-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

"Sand, Sun, Beer, Gals"..I am not talking about BayWatch!! This was how Sarkar described Gokarna the day we left from Bangalore..He was partly correct..Sand and Sun were there to see..but alas!! Beer and Gals??? I guess we were far away from civilzation to expect anything remotely related to these two.

Sarkar had been to Gokarna at the peak of the season and he painted a picture of shacks stretching all the way from Bangalore to Gokarna :-) And here we were..looking on as a sadhu and his two dogs patrolled a remote beach untouched for months! Somehow the dogs appealed to me more than their human counterpart. They appeared more genuine, ourgoing and genial.
They sprang to life seeing 16 humans entering their territory; it seemed as if they got a new lease of life after months of trauma seeing the boring sadhu sitting on the pedestal. For a moment, I felt the dogs needed the break more than we did :-)

Pasha had removed his shirt a few hours back (which he forgot comfortably until we entered Bangalore) and he felt at home seeing the semi-nude loner on the beach and somehow struck a cord with him; the two were talking as if they were distant relatives :-) We asked for a bottle of water and got it! We had nothing to lose and asked for place to sleep..and were directed to 3 rooms by the side of an asylum. Well..the 3 rooms were no better than the asylum - people had taken pains to copy half of Oxford dictionary on to the walls of these rooms :-)

We decided to stay outdoors..it was cloudy and pitch-dark. The sadhu seemed to have left and out came our saviour for the night, an enterprising drunken old guard. A quintessential service-man that he was..he was determined to make a dream outing for us. We had fried rice, cold drinks, daaru, and sutta..all in a matter of minutes.. He wasnt contented though; we had bon-fire and DJ to finish off... DJ and daaru is quite a combination for me..especially if I get to move my body in all those directions possible only in science fiction; the only significant thing that I remember after the bon-fire was having stepped on one of the dogs while trying a MJ step possible only after gulping 5 pegs :-)

Morning light and to say that the beach was brilliant would be an understatement; what's more we had the whole of the beach to ourselves. We played as if we hadn't for years! It was time to make a move and Om was our next destination. The time had come, the hour had struck and the models in our group rose to the occasion..every tree bent at more than 15 degrees became a
heritage site and every 100 meters, we found a new national monument. We shot as if all the digital cams were bound to be non-functional from the next day :-)

Om beach wasnt that great...after Paradise..it was like seeing the dubbed version of Harry Potter in tamil :-) We then decided to move to Kudle..Sarkar gave up now and KK, Adi took up the reins of being the path finders. They took their job very seriously; they moved at such an alarming pace that I couldnt help thinking they might have been born and brought up in
Kudle..and have been finding these paths all their lives :-)

The trek that started as "trek ke naam pe dhabba" became a question of survival. We started doing stunts that would have made Mithun Da and Rajnikanth proud :-) Sarkar moved into the dooms day mode - he wouldnt leave his beer even while climbing rocks; it seemed he was trying to savor his last kingfisher :-) Kavya was walking intermittently between innumerable slips;
She would have made sufficient marks on that path for trekkers for the next few decades :-)

We still managed. Little did we know that Swetha was carrying a weapon of mass destruction. She was carrying a hat..err...if this is a hat..then the hats you know would be tea cups! With a span ranging a few meters, she brought a gigantic hat, which would have taken 3 years and expertise from 4-5 countries to be made! She actually trekked with that! She wore it
sporadically, but it was the valiant effort of Srikanth which saved the day :-)

Back to the bus!! I felt that a bit of rest and fresh air would have changed the driver. I was being foolish. Here was a driver who stuck to his rules; he seemed to have attained such an enviable state of self-restraint that any kind of teasing, bullying by the other drivers would not perturb him! He brought us all again to that steady-state where all it matters is you, the bus and the driver..the rest of the road and the vehicles are in a ultra-modern zone you dare not enter :-) It is a unique feeling travelling at the same speed for hours; it brings new perspectives to many things in life! You think about a lot of things, you seldom think when you are accelerating or decelerating! Our driver taught me the value of being patient, the importance of controlling your emotions and the utter waste of time and energy in pursuing things because others are
(Overtaking buses, cars and lorries).

Who said you get nirvana..or you get renunciated only when you go to Swamijis or when you go to the Himalayas. Call up Sangeetha travels and you are on your way to a soul searching experience :-)

We reached Bangalore back @ 1 PM on Monday..and Roma's voice sounded like a rat running in and out of a hole..

13k for the bus, 4k for food and 2k for the stay...One night @ Paradise...Priceless :-))

Gokarna

2007-08-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

9:30 PM on the last friday of may. It was pouring. Now rains in Bangalore are very punctual, mostly unwanted and extremely unique. The prickly heat powders, cold drinks and ice creams would have just hit the markets as it starts to pour cats and dogs in Bangalore. The rains also seem to mock the companies in E-City. Everyday, rains trace a sinusoidal wave pattern
between 5 and 9 30 in the evening. It starts to drizzle at around 5 in the evening when the first bus from Infy leaves the campus...and it rises like a crescendo into a downpour by around 8 and its back to perfect Bangalore weather by 9 30 when the last bus leaves; meanwhile, space-time freezes on the Hosur road. Deve Gowda isnt alone...Rain God too hates Infy!!

Back to the last friday of May..

16 of us had plans to go to Gokarna over the weekend. Everything was going as expected - lots of people dropped plans at the end, we deliberated and discussed a lot, planned a lot of unnecessary things and missed out crucuial ones...and overall, managed to generate a lot of hype (U bet we are all true Infoscions!!). Yeah, and as expected, Rain God didnt like our plans; it poured cats, dogs and buffaloes. Rain God wasnt alone in conspiring against our trip. He had company in some Rehman of BTM travels who had concrete plans to cheat us. We danced, laughed and joked before getting into the bus only to realise that it was one of the oldest buses in Karnataka and that travelling a day in it would seriously alter our mental and physical health.

I had booked the bus and was agitated - damn..trip tho shuroo hote hi khatam ho gaya!! :-)...accompanied by two rookie body builders in Pasha and Saurav, I tried to barge into the newly furnished office of BTM Travels...I guess I kept trying for a few unnecessary milli seconds while the huge glass door (I am convinced it was Saint Gobain) made yet another dent(Tembu) on
my already eroded forehead (I have always feared basket ball courts and glass doors). As with the trip, our fight seemed to end even before it started! Team of three reduced to one; Saurav took me to a lady doctor, who seemed both nice and intelligent until I saw a bandage the size of a curtain - may be she had a monthly dressing target to reach.

I was sure I would have atleast 3 stitches; I ended up having none. For someone who had nearly 75 stitches and 5 bone fractures, it was a gross mistake to exaggerate the criticality of an injury (A few years earlier, I would have even predicted when I would have the next round of stitches :-) ). May be, the blood and the loud sound cheated me; but Rehman
definitely did.

Pasha wasnt amused. He quickly donned the role of an angry young man fighting for the rights of his hungry and tired fellow men. In the process, he had to land a nice blow on somebody (After all an angry young man is nothing without a few blows)..Meanwhile, I managed to find a nice comfy place for me..away from the war zone (I was still pondering over how I
missed stitches).

11:00 PM. We had a decision to make. Against all expectations, there was a consensus - we decided to go. I knew I was done with my qouta of injuries and I would be safe for the next 2-3 months....and when even I am safe..the worst is over. Yeah the worst was surely over..the despondent mood for the last 3 hours quickly gave way to bakar-our core competency. We had
some girls in the group and as per the protocol, we started playing antakshari..and I am sure you would guess this too.. we then followed it with Dumb sharades. I am not good at Antakshari..but was cheered for every song that I sang...the big bandage surely had an impact!

We went..we went and we went..and finally saw that the kilometer readings on the road were also cheating us. We just crossed around 200kms after travelling for 7 hours!! It was morning light and the potential of the driver of our "engineering marvel" bus was hard to ignore. Buses..cars..lorries dashed past the windows as if every other vehicle was on a mission
which our driver wasnt able to comprehend. Cyclists requested and got the right of way; our driver will be remembered in those villages that we went through for firing up the imagination of cyclists..for igniting their minds with thoughts no other cyclist in the world would have dared to think.

We reached Gokarna at 4PM...thanks to our formula zero driver and the google map empowered Sarkar. If we had been a bit more gullible, Sarkar would have made us believe that Gokarna is a hill station near Patna. When you sit in a bus for 16 hours seeing every living thing around you get past you nonchalantly, the first thing you would do when you get down is run..we did a shade better..we decided to treck immediately.

Trecking with 5 digital cameras is very difficult...10 steps and 2 photos is the general rule for normal people. But if you have promising ramp-walkers around, it becomes 2 steps and 10 photos. We somehow managed with very few stops to reach the Paradise beach..uhhh...and what a beach it was!! The sea seemed rough and the waves dangerous..but the view was breathtaking...we spent a few minutes savoring the beauty when we realised that we had company on the beach; A lone sadhu type man was looking at us.

The man seemed straight out of Hindu mythological stories..he was seated in a medidating position on a pedestal facing the sea and he looked to be doing that as long as the beach existed. Semi nude, long and curly hair..he looked like the protector of the landscape around him. He was not threatening though; but what he said was certainly threatening - No food, no water and no shelter in the beach for the night...it was dark and about to rain very heavily.

Who was this man? Did we decide to stay back there or did we walk through the jungles in the night? Keep watching this space to find out :-)

Water Works

2007-07-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Himesh cried in Coffee With Karan. The day before, Akshay and Anil cried in one of those "voice hunt" programs. I heard Sunny Deol always manages to cry on the stage. Well, everybody seems to cry these days on Indian TV. I am not sure if the Indian TV has suddenly become so emotional as to call for some "Water Works" every few minutes; but I am sure "Water works" really work - everybody talks about it and what's more, people cry to see the stars cry. I didnt see Himesh cry - I cant see him do anything for that matter; but I definitely saw Akshay cry;whew....he cried because Anil is a very good person...Boy!! Here is a novel reason to cry!!

To the credit of these emotional contests and dramatic interviews, I think crying has always been a part of the Indian psyche; these shows just cashed on it. My mom loved those matinee movies where lead actresses fiercely contested for the maximum tears shed in 2 hours. Luckily Jitendra decided to stop acting and the crying baton was passed on to the television
serials where women cried 24*7 for reasons even they couldnt comprehend.

But the "Cry Baby Cry" syndrome that we see today is different in a few respects. Unlike the previously unorganized, yet promising crying industry, tears have successfully been institutionalized. I feel people now know where, when and how to cry!! Its so very easy. "You are out of the contest now" announces the anchor in such a threatening voice as to tell the
contestant.."Dude..time now to cry..and you better meet our standards!!" People are that much more assured and confident when they cry! :-)

Kapil Dev cried in Vir Sanghvi's interview and since then there has been no looking back. More tears have flown on the television than what monsoons could manage the last year in Hyderabad. There is no denying that people may have at times cried because they wanted to, but the norm today it seems is they HAVE TO. "Cry Your Way To Success" is the new mantra" :-)

I seriously believe that in a few years we will have awards for the best tearful role, for the longest crying performance and the most sorrowful serial of the year. We will have a transparent adjudication process though; No nominations - we have quantifiable data - number of liters of tears!

Tears apart, I am just amazed by the drama that unfolds everyday on the TV - there is not much difference between a news program and a movie; a talent hunt and an interview; a debate and antakshari; there is a common denominator to everything - drama. Haneef Mohammed returns back to India and atleast a dozen correspondents ask his wife - how will he hold their
daughter or what food she will cook for him. We see a miniature version of Karan Johar's movie in a news program, a "touching" interview in a contest and a contest in an interview.

Somebody said "50 channels and nothing to watch...I feel "100 channels and the SAME THING to watch!"