Run'a'way Dog!

March 27, 2008.

9 20 PM.

Bangalore HAL Airport.

I hate the boarding queues. Walking through those cramped, dome topped lanes always makes me feel like being led as a specimen into an experimental chamber. Glass doors, a few skeletons and hairy, psycho scientists working on wierd instruments; ek dam 80's bollywood style wealthy villain's setup.

Things can be a bit different if you know that 2 hot KingFisher air hostesses would welcome you aboard at the end of the lane. And things can be very different if you get to see Deepika Padukone from within 2 meters while you conjure up all those gory images! Yes I saw Deepika for a few moments(Contrary to my expectation, she looked human and was hotter than Chennai!) and even before I could start drooling, she was escorted into a different plane.

N series fones were suddenly in demand as people around me frantically clicked her as if she was going to leave her human form in a few minutes and metamorphose into an ostrich.

I am a true American when it comes to moments like these - I do not waste precious time in saving the moment in a camera, but savor the beauty in front of me as long as I can; its a completely different matter that the alarm was the most advanced feature in my Nokia 1100.

Before I forget, let me tell you that I hate Ranbir Kameena Kapoor.

"Welcome to the KingFisher XXX flight to Hyderabad. This is Mmopi, your captain. The weather is pleasant in Hyderabad and its going to be 60 minutes from take off to landing. Sit back and enjoy your journey with us! blah blah blah."

I sat back at row 15, tightened my seat belt a bit too hard for my comfort and started looking through the window as the aircraft gained speed. I heard a noise and saw a huge flash of light. Even before I realized what it was, the aircraft was wobbling vigorously like a speeding rickshaw on Hosur road. And then there was smoke...so much that I couldn't see anybody around for a few seconds and I thought about my eventual death and how ridiculous it would be to die in an aircraft which didn't even take off!! Damn..I couldn't even use my life jacket and where the **** is my mask???

"Bend down, stay down, bend down, stay down" screamed the hostesses (they were not yet the AIR hostesses u see). Their voice was more threatening than the smoke which engulfed the whole aircraft triggering a chained coughing reaction. I started to think of what to think and what not to think minutes before you die...when suddenly the back door was pushed open and out came the new screams "Jump Down..Back Door..Jump Down..Back Door". I tried to unfasten my seat belt and ****!! it doesn't come out..once..twice..thrice..shittt..I just cannot get rid of my seat belt..as I glanced back..most people had actually jumped off!

Now this would be a real chindi chor death I thought, if the plane blasts off with me left inside trying to pull my seat belt off!! I shouted for help..once..twice..thrice..and here came the hostess to my rescue as she let me free in just a single try!!(I still cant understand why I couldn't pull my belt off myself in the first place!)

And I ran..albeit the last one to do so and jumped off from the 6 foot high platform onto the runway. "Run off" shouted the hostess like the "GO" in a running competition. It was a sight to see nearly 20 people run ahead of you across the runway for a new lease of life! Enter the grass and as I saw people falling ahead of me, I quickly realized that I had volunteered to be part of a thrilling new game to reach a safe point away from the runway running through the grass with minimal light and a huge number of ditches hidden by the grass. All the 25 of us finally did finish the game(although a few lost crucial points for getting injured in multiple pits) to reach a pathway, nearly 300 meters away from the runway to catch a glimpse of our flight which somehow refused to take off. If you know the aircraft lingo , the landing gear was very badly damaged and for the rest, the aircraft looked like an injured lizard with its front limbs cut off.

Ambulances..fire extinguishers..police...reporters..and we were off to where I saw Deepika.

It was only after a few minutes that I got the biggest shock of the day! WE WERE HIT BY A DOG!!!

A DOG! Yeah a f***ing freaked up dog it was which decided to take its life along with 30 humans and a huge machine.

A dog on a runway??? Is it possible? Was it the only animal around or were we sharing the runway with the Bangalore Zoo? And were we the first to be attacked by a.. suicide dogger..like a suicide bomber?

It didn't make any sense instantly, but as I recollected the cumulative loss that the canines next door caused to me all through my life, everything started falling in place; it was not completely incredible, I thought.

Dogs; they come in different breeds, with varying colors, heights, attitudes and propensities...and they all stink!!

I have feared dogs for as long as I can remember; my worst nightmares till date have had lots of dogs in them; I woke up at least a dozen times trying to run as fast as I could from a bunch of street dogs. And here I was, waiting at the airport for many hours as a jehadi suicide bomber of a dog wanted to take a stroll on the runway.

Some of my favorites..

My favorite food - Hot Dogs

My favorite book - How to kill 200 dogs in 2 minutes?

My favorite pastime 1 - Collecting stones that can hurt the dogs the most.

My favorite pastime 2 - Hitting the dogs from the 1st floor with these stones until its time to get back to pastime 1.

My favorite one-liner - Dogs and bitches not allowed.

I hate Maneka Gandhi.

And I have no regrets!

WTF!!

I just cant believe this..

3 more blasts in the last 4 days and a monstrous stampede!

When will all this end?? Do we have a plan?

I m depressed and don't have any more words!

When is the next blast??

Another blast in Delhi. And this time, just two!! Goddammit...just 2!!!

Its a black day for Indian terrorism. The Indian terrorist has disappointed me, big time. Shame on you!!

Just 2 people, in a crowded market place? Now that's extremely cheap, an auto accident would have managed better! The Indian Institutes Of Terrorism have lost their credibility today on the world stage. I mean blasts like these dont even deserve a 4th page mention in a local evening news paper; forget about a security beefup in North America.

Now that they have failed as a terrorist outfit and tarnished the image of terrorist India, Indian Mujahideen has tough questions to face..

Have we run short of true terrorists? Arent our terrorists going through proper training? Have they suddenly forgotten the art of making decent bombs? Are we keeping ourselves abreast of the rapidly changing strategies of our terrorist brethren from Iraq to Indonesia and from Bosnia to Bangladesh?

Most importantly have our terrorists lost sight of their mission to TERRORIZE people! At least I wont be terrorized by these common place Diwali phataks every week; our government has never been terrorized for that matter. As if this wasn't enough shame, the bomb planters are being seen by the crowd as they do their act!! Aaahh..these are basics arent they? Kind of a fundamental lesson a pick pocket at the Majestic bus stand would have learned! And we are talking about the biggest threat to humanity!!

The only thing these weekly, meekly attacks manage is to throw more shit at the already stinking Indian home ministry.

The Indian security game is now like a Zimbabwe Vs Bangladesh test match. Ordinary attack, pathetic defense and diminishing interest. The terrorists let the whole country know their address, how they look like and what they might do next, but the "blessed" home minister of India doesn't have a clue of who might steal cutlery from his kitchen in the next few days, let alone stop terrorists attacking the capital every other day.

Jokes apart, I understand that it is very difficult in a large, dense, diverse, democratic country to curtail these acts. But then, what have we seriously done in the past 10 years other than throwing mud at each other while thousands die every year. We do big talk about the economic super power we are going to be, about the incredible potential we hold, blah blah blah. But at the end of the day, we are a clueless set of people who never seem to value the life of a person; after all that is the only thing we have in abundance (of course, in addition to the terrorist attacks).

Back again!

I just realized that it has been ages since I wrote anything!

A spasmic urge while reading some stuff prompted me to vomit something urgently on my space here.

Cant say that my work kept me away from Bloggersville...I wish I could say that! :-)

I just have been my usual rank lazy self..in fact of late I have developed an enviable expertise in sleeping anywhere, anytime..and find it extremely difficult to squeeze in anything constructive between my multiple sleeping sessions.

The nearest I came to doing anything constructive in the past few months has been to learn to cook! No big deal..dal fry, omelette, rice..but that's like a quantum leap for someone who's greatest culinary achievement has been frying peanuts! Thanks to a nagging roomie(KK the DOG), I will not have to do the dishes every day.

Yeah, I learned to drive...I get confused between the accelerator and the brake, cant park the car and find it difficult to turn or change lanes..but in between numerous lapses, I actually manage.

And a month back I went all the way near Gustav to get evacuated. A thriller of how a vacation in Florida turned into an Evac(u)ation. We had plans to party at a city which was quickly turning into a ghost town...and then I was part of probably the biggest evacuation drive here..(2 million left Louisiana in 2 days!). More on this thriller later.

I left a company which I thought I would never leave, jumped from 2 airplanes(One with a parachute), jet skied on lake Shasta, saw some amazing places along the pacific coast and fell in love with my work multiple times.

I guess I have vomited enuf for the day and its time to sleep..will be back in a few days with full length cover stories and much more..

Stay tuned!

Jodha Akbar

Jodha Akbar. The only thing short about this movie is the title.

4 hour long movie with an interval after 2 hours! Dialogues long enough to be disqualified in many elocution competitions. Rooms the size of a railway station in forts of incomprehensible dimensions. 6 foot hunk, huge emperor of India romancing a stunning princess who was born with a ring to her nose which grew into a cycle tyre by the time she was 18 (I bet Ash would have undergone a plastic surgery to get her sagging nose back to shape after a breathtaking weightlifting act with her nose).

And plates!! Akbar and his generals eat in plates big enough to feed a dozen elephants for a few weeks!

I missed about 10 mins of the start thanks to my hunt for a burger. But what is 10 mins..in an Ashutosh Gowariker's movie - may be a dialogue or two or a single stroll of the hero. Strolls, JA is as much about romance as about the lonely walks of Akbar. It is already 12 hours since I saw the movie and the picture that comes to my mind is that of Hritik walking leisurely through his grand forts.

Okay..the story is this - Jalaaluddin (There are actually 5 prefixes and 26 suffixes to his name, which fortunately werent taken in every introduction to Akbar..else..I would have been in the theater even now :D) in his quest to bring the whole of India under the Moghul rule agrees to marry a Raput Princess (hhmm..how can anyone do otherwise if the princess is as beautiful as Ash). This marriage transforms Akbar into the first Muslim ruler of India winning the hearts of Indian masses(There is a song...in praise of Akbar..which looks like the first version of Milein Sur Mera tumhaaraa....people from most parts of India..performing before the emperor).

Jodha, it seems had to actually get converted to Islam and take the title Mairam-Uz-Zamani and was actually the third and not the last wife of Akbar. And he wasnt all that "Aman savvy" as shown in the movie.

Putting the question of the authenticity of the story aside, Ashutosh does a decent job in keeping people in the theater for 4 hours even after blowing a love story into such a lengthy saga. All the grandeur did pay off! :-)

At a few moments you feel that AG is blissfully unaware of a highly developed field in modern day cinema known as editing. You cant help feeling that you are seeing a chronicle of the protaganist's life :D

I pray he doesnt make a movie about Atal Bihari Vajpaaye or Jyoti Basu..the movie tickets would have to be booked along with hotel rooms :-)

Well..it seems there was an editor..Ballu Saluja..watch out for this guy..he will ensure you will see two movies at the price of one!

Finally, if you plan to watch this movie, please take care of these things

1. U r not concentrating on understanding the dialogues - its very tough!! People come up with these well crafted, superbly pronounced stuff seconds before they die! :D Just go by the flow..you know the story anyways! :-)

2. Dont go for a second show - its very difficult to find an auto by the time the movie ends....a good idea if you had to go for a second show is wait for a couple of hours for dawn to break.

3. U can sleep off very comfortably at any time. As my friend figured out, even after taking a nice nap, Hritik was still looking at Ash with those expectant eyes(Aaaah...its a real sight..seeing Ash and Hritik look at each other without saying much for months! :D)

Untitled Story - 1

"All characters are products of my imagination. Any resemblance is purely coincidental :D"

Jan 8 2004
"I never looked at you that way. I always felt that you were a good friend!!" Pranay was dazed as he continued to gaze at the screen blankly. The letters started dancing in his eyes, but however convoluted they were, they combined to scream the same ugly message. It was already 10 minutes since he started reading the mail, but he still had not read the remaining 5 lines of the response.He wasnt making an effort either; what remained promised to be an urgently scripted elegy of an infamous, premature death.

It was 20 minutes and he came to life as the screen saver with the bold letters of PRANEETI started hitting the corners of the old screen lazily, as if it was cursed into doing this!

The letters grew in size in a geometric progression and blew out of proportions..the red 360 font was the only thing Pranay could see now! He was shaken out of his consciousness...and when he woke up, he could see the letters slowly vanishing in waves before his eyes. 5:15 AM, Room No. 104, D Hostel. Hardly an hour since he slept off after a valiant 3 hour effort to capture some sleep. He felt as if he had some mental disease nobody could ever cure! A mind blacked out by thoughts out of reason, out of comprehension! Should he tell her..or should he not??
hhmm...forget about this.."Is it Me??" "Am I Smitten??"

Sep 22 2000

First day of college, Second day in hostel and the third in Kerala. A religious non-believer in GOD, Pranay had never expected to land up in the GOD's own country :D And what a place it was!! As he sat near the window seat of Cochin express, he could see how eerily different Kerala was from Andhra. Trees..trees..and more trees..in almost every possible direction!! Coming from a predominantly rocky, arid and concrete Hyderabad, it was nothing short of a huge undiscovered rain forest and he started feeling like an investigator for the National Geographic :D

7:55 AM, MB 104, Regional Engineering College, Calicut. MB 104 was just another class room in a government college. Modest seating arrangement in a building with a 40 year heritage fit to be declared a national monument. Seated in the second bench from the last, Pranay was disillusioned. "Not Again!!" .. "Where have I landed!!!". After two days of torture by seniors, the last thing he expected was to find himself among 30 GUYS in an engineering class room!! Boys school, Boys college and now..a Boys Only Engineering Class for 4 more years!!

He started a silent prayer for his orientation to remain intact if he were to continue here :D May be he was praying a bit too hard as he missed something that the whole class was suddenly engrossed at. The guy next to him, who looked like a cross between a MIT drop out and someone maintaining a Punjabi restaurant, wore such an eager, expectant look on his face that Pranay knew the worst was over :D

8:05 AM.

"Present Sir"..the voice was soft and held a slight melodious tune. Pranay got the first glimpse of the girl on his right bench as she completed a rather slow, extended motion to sit back after answering Prof Paul. Preeti, Roll No. 33 - 5'5, slightly heavily built with beautiful, long dense hair that seemed to have covered her from every side. Her hair fell in such a luxurious tumble over her shoulders and back that Pranay couldnt see her face beyond that sheen. He cursed himself for not looking at her as she walked in..but how could he..in just about a minute there was an avalanche ofgirls from nowhere!

3 hours and repeated introductions later, it was time for the next round of introductions at the workshop. As Prof RamaKrishna called out the Lab Groups and asked them to be seated together, Pranay for the first time saw that face beneath the huge blanket of hair. Preeti wasnt a ravishing beauty. Clear, almond-shaped black eyes beneath a pair of exquisitely carved eye brows. Wheatish complexion, with a nose in proportion to her slightly large, symettric face which would have looked a bit quirky to many, but to Pranay, she was real pretty! A look at her face will make you feel she has been eternally chewing some gum like a hamster! Her lips were pale pink which bent into a splendid arc when she smiled. There was an aura of light heartedness around her; kind of a friendly attitude you see with people who make 4-5 friends a day :D And when she smiled, which she continously did on the first day too, it was a hearty, mischievous one; as if she had a secret which she shared just with you which caused her to smile!

Prashant Agarwal, the quentessential Bhaiyya from UP, seated next to Pranay said something; Pranay didnt know what, but looking at Preeti laugh, he felt it must have been extremely hilarious. She swayed frantically and clapped her hands graciously in a swift movement of ecstasy; her wonderfully expressive eyes sparkled in delight..her left brow slanted at the same angle as her face did to the left as she looked at Pranay - It was like a courteous welcome to have fun as she was having! Pranay unconsciously threw back a smile at her. Her face wrinkled into such a beautiful shape, like a carefully constructed machine creating pure perfection, that he wished Prashant says something more funny :D

Pranay had an instinctive crush on her. He felt like seeing a replete version of Amisha Patel he adored in Kaho Na Pyaar Hai a few months back. There was something mischievous about her that made her look quaintly beautiful. He had a few crushes in the past few years, but having a crush on your lab partner was surely going to be something else!

What a first day!! As he started his walk past the numerous coconut trees on the way back to the hostel..his brain started scripting stories he would live through in the next few years!!

"May Roll No. 32 and 33 Live Happily Ever After!!!"...

Ameeen!! :-)

Hoowwwzzaaat!!

10 - 12 AM. The first session. The ball swings and seams. Even if it doesnt, you need to give the respect to the bowler that he deserves. Not shouldering to atleast a couple of balls in every over means irreverence to the game :-)

12 - 12:40 PM. The mid-on fielder would have hardly moved his feet when its lunch time. And what a lunch it is!! Marriage dinners are shorter than test match lunches!! :-)

12:40 - 2:40 PM. As per the protocol, even if Dodda Ganesh and Paul Adams are bowling in tandem, you better play safe atleast for half an hour - play yourself in after an eternity of a lunch break! :-)

2:40 - 3 PM. Break again. Tea this time to take stock of the action or the absence of it :-)

3 - 5 PM. For an hour, batsmen actually get bored watching the bowlers and the keeper throwing the ball at each other and realise in sublime moments what they are capable of. A few overs and a few boundaries later, everybody is playing for the day, a day which got bad to worse to ugly in three sessions of unbearably boring cricket!!

This schedule repeated for 4 more days and by tea time of the third day half of the fielders would be seen sleeping near boundary :-)

That was test match cricket in India in the early 1990s. Apart from the final 2 stages of French Open and Wimbledon,Test match cricket was the nearest to anything LIVE on Doordarshan. The action though was far from being LIVE, it was dead as a dodo with sleepy commentators talking about their childhood memories while the action on the field resembled a funeral of an old monarch! Test match cricket in those days was actually a Test of Patience and a Match of Inaction :D

Me really short of overs now....and true to the spirit of early 90 Test Cricket will inhibit my intention to slog and call it a day :-)

Do watch out this space for more of the Hoowzzaaat series..from a true Indian (Read a true maniacal fan of cricket :D)