My Name Is Thackeray

My Name Is Thackeray.

I live in 1966.

While the whole world zoomed past me into the 21st century, I still do not get the concept of peace and harmony in a cosmopolitan society.

I strongly believe that if it were not for my valiant efforts, Mumbai would have been the capital of Bangladesh. Or worse, some Gajodhar Srivastava would have been the Chief Minister of Maharashtra.

I write fiery editorials and make inflammatory speeches for a living. If I am not busy with either of these, I give ultimatums and accept apologies. I hold the world record for giving 3657045 ultimatums and getting 254 apologies.

I am the Rajnikanth of bullying industry, iPhone of hate speeches and the God Of All Fanatic Things.

I hate muslims. I hate south Indians. I hate north Indians. I hate Pakistan, Mongolia, Venezuela, Congo, Zimbabwe and Peru for no specific reason. I just love to hate.

My incredible appetite for hate and an uncanny ability to use it to win votes have helped me rake up the religious and regional sentiments on multiple occasions resulting in the death of hundreds of Marathi Manoos.

I sometimes think that I am stuck in a time warp from which I cannot and do not want to emerge. My old age and an extremely incompetent son do not make things any easier.

But I am sure my legacy would be carried forward by my nephew aaj ka Goonda"Raj". His brazen acts of violence, his utter disrespect for democratic values and above all, his abhorence for anything remotely related to pandey, chauhan or Srivastava make me immensely proud.

Seriously, how can a movie made in Mumbai be named My Name Is Khan and not My Name Is Kulkarni?

My name is Thackeray. And I am insane.

The Dance Of Indian Democracy

Elections in any democracy are about numbers. Indian democracy is different. Our elections are ONLY about numbers. 

Astronomical numbers with their googloplex permutations make Indian elections a mathematician's delight, a politician's nightmare and an all elusive mystery.

For starters, 420 million out of 710 million registered voters chose 543 members of the Indian parliament from among nearly 7000 candidates in 5 different phases of polling in around 800,000 polling stations spread across 28 states in a process which spanned over a month!

This is just the macro-political picture! These numbers assume humungous complexity if you start thinking about nearly 500 registered political parties in fray, most of which rake up the religious, regional, caste, linguistic sentiments of a billion people belonging to more than 10 religions with "i cant figure out how many castes" speaking more than 20 languages.

If only elections were an olympic game!! We would never need an occasional Abhinav Bindra to shoot for a lone Gold medal :-)

Gold and riches apart, Indian election game is an awe inspiring drama which makes Bollywood look pedestrian.  In the past so many months, while the Indian democracy danced in all its naked splendor to the tunes of the crowds, color, campaigns, slogans, speeches, dynasties, what not, what not,  my emotions varied from euphoria to despair and from exasperation to pride. 

From the behenji in UP who dreams, begs, pleads and shouts to be the PM to "jab tak rahega samose mein aalu tab tak rahega bihar mein" lalu to the suicidal Jayaprada to the Marathi Manoos Raj Thackeray, Indian politics is full of characters that drive you crazy.

And you thought McCain/Palin vs Obama was exciting to follow!

Healthcare, economy, energy and national security are passe and boring! Keep it simple - "Free Color TV", "Free movie tickets to watch your chief minister dance and fight" and "Free electricity" are so much more fun to hear and talk about!

Its time Obama learnt a few things on governance from Lalu, Karunanidhi, Mulayam and some acting from Chiranjeevi to add some flair to US politics! :-) I wouldnt mind a free house!

Keep watching this space for more on what has been a breathtaking exercise of human will in India!

Run'a'way Dog!

March 27, 2008.

9 20 PM.

Bangalore HAL Airport.

I hate the boarding queues. Walking through those cramped, dome topped lanes always makes me feel like being led as a specimen into an experimental chamber. Glass doors, a few skeletons and hairy, psycho scientists working on wierd instruments; ek dam 80's bollywood style wealthy villain's setup.

Things can be a bit different if you know that 2 hot KingFisher air hostesses would welcome you aboard at the end of the lane. And things can be very different if you get to see Deepika Padukone from within 2 meters while you conjure up all those gory images! Yes I saw Deepika for a few moments(Contrary to my expectation, she looked human and was hotter than Chennai!) and even before I could start drooling, she was escorted into a different plane.

N series fones were suddenly in demand as people around me frantically clicked her as if she was going to leave her human form in a few minutes and metamorphose into an ostrich.

I am a true American when it comes to moments like these - I do not waste precious time in saving the moment in a camera, but savor the beauty in front of me as long as I can; its a completely different matter that the alarm was the most advanced feature in my Nokia 1100.

Before I forget, let me tell you that I hate Ranbir Kameena Kapoor.

"Welcome to the KingFisher XXX flight to Hyderabad. This is Mmopi, your captain. The weather is pleasant in Hyderabad and its going to be 60 minutes from take off to landing. Sit back and enjoy your journey with us! blah blah blah."

I sat back at row 15, tightened my seat belt a bit too hard for my comfort and started looking through the window as the aircraft gained speed. I heard a noise and saw a huge flash of light. Even before I realized what it was, the aircraft was wobbling vigorously like a speeding rickshaw on Hosur road. And then there was smoke...so much that I couldn't see anybody around for a few seconds and I thought about my eventual death and how ridiculous it would be to die in an aircraft which didn't even take off!! Damn..I couldn't even use my life jacket and where the **** is my mask???

"Bend down, stay down, bend down, stay down" screamed the hostesses (they were not yet the AIR hostesses u see). Their voice was more threatening than the smoke which engulfed the whole aircraft triggering a chained coughing reaction. I started to think of what to think and what not to think minutes before you die...when suddenly the back door was pushed open and out came the new screams "Jump Down..Back Door..Jump Down..Back Door". I tried to unfasten my seat belt and ****!! it doesn't come out..once..twice..thrice..shittt..I just cannot get rid of my seat belt..as I glanced back..most people had actually jumped off!

Now this would be a real chindi chor death I thought, if the plane blasts off with me left inside trying to pull my seat belt off!! I shouted for help..once..twice..thrice..and here came the hostess to my rescue as she let me free in just a single try!!(I still cant understand why I couldn't pull my belt off myself in the first place!)

And I ran..albeit the last one to do so and jumped off from the 6 foot high platform onto the runway. "Run off" shouted the hostess like the "GO" in a running competition. It was a sight to see nearly 20 people run ahead of you across the runway for a new lease of life! Enter the grass and as I saw people falling ahead of me, I quickly realized that I had volunteered to be part of a thrilling new game to reach a safe point away from the runway running through the grass with minimal light and a huge number of ditches hidden by the grass. All the 25 of us finally did finish the game(although a few lost crucial points for getting injured in multiple pits) to reach a pathway, nearly 300 meters away from the runway to catch a glimpse of our flight which somehow refused to take off. If you know the aircraft lingo , the landing gear was very badly damaged and for the rest, the aircraft looked like an injured lizard with its front limbs cut off.

Ambulances..fire extinguishers..police...reporters..and we were off to where I saw Deepika.

It was only after a few minutes that I got the biggest shock of the day! WE WERE HIT BY A DOG!!!

A DOG! Yeah a f***ing freaked up dog it was which decided to take its life along with 30 humans and a huge machine.

A dog on a runway??? Is it possible? Was it the only animal around or were we sharing the runway with the Bangalore Zoo? And were we the first to be attacked by a.. suicide dogger..like a suicide bomber?

It didn't make any sense instantly, but as I recollected the cumulative loss that the canines next door caused to me all through my life, everything started falling in place; it was not completely incredible, I thought.

Dogs; they come in different breeds, with varying colors, heights, attitudes and propensities...and they all stink!!

I have feared dogs for as long as I can remember; my worst nightmares till date have had lots of dogs in them; I woke up at least a dozen times trying to run as fast as I could from a bunch of street dogs. And here I was, waiting at the airport for many hours as a jehadi suicide bomber of a dog wanted to take a stroll on the runway.

Some of my favorites..

My favorite food - Hot Dogs

My favorite book - How to kill 200 dogs in 2 minutes?

My favorite pastime 1 - Collecting stones that can hurt the dogs the most.

My favorite pastime 2 - Hitting the dogs from the 1st floor with these stones until its time to get back to pastime 1.

My favorite one-liner - Dogs and bitches not allowed.

I hate Maneka Gandhi.

And I have no regrets!

WTF!!

I just cant believe this..

3 more blasts in the last 4 days and a monstrous stampede!

When will all this end?? Do we have a plan?

I m depressed and don't have any more words!

When is the next blast??

Another blast in Delhi. And this time, just two!! Goddammit...just 2!!!

Its a black day for Indian terrorism. The Indian terrorist has disappointed me, big time. Shame on you!!

Just 2 people, in a crowded market place? Now that's extremely cheap, an auto accident would have managed better! The Indian Institutes Of Terrorism have lost their credibility today on the world stage. I mean blasts like these dont even deserve a 4th page mention in a local evening news paper; forget about a security beefup in North America.

Now that they have failed as a terrorist outfit and tarnished the image of terrorist India, Indian Mujahideen has tough questions to face..

Have we run short of true terrorists? Arent our terrorists going through proper training? Have they suddenly forgotten the art of making decent bombs? Are we keeping ourselves abreast of the rapidly changing strategies of our terrorist brethren from Iraq to Indonesia and from Bosnia to Bangladesh?

Most importantly have our terrorists lost sight of their mission to TERRORIZE people! At least I wont be terrorized by these common place Diwali phataks every week; our government has never been terrorized for that matter. As if this wasn't enough shame, the bomb planters are being seen by the crowd as they do their act!! Aaahh..these are basics arent they? Kind of a fundamental lesson a pick pocket at the Majestic bus stand would have learned! And we are talking about the biggest threat to humanity!!

The only thing these weekly, meekly attacks manage is to throw more shit at the already stinking Indian home ministry.

The Indian security game is now like a Zimbabwe Vs Bangladesh test match. Ordinary attack, pathetic defense and diminishing interest. The terrorists let the whole country know their address, how they look like and what they might do next, but the "blessed" home minister of India doesn't have a clue of who might steal cutlery from his kitchen in the next few days, let alone stop terrorists attacking the capital every other day.

Jokes apart, I understand that it is very difficult in a large, dense, diverse, democratic country to curtail these acts. But then, what have we seriously done in the past 10 years other than throwing mud at each other while thousands die every year. We do big talk about the economic super power we are going to be, about the incredible potential we hold, blah blah blah. But at the end of the day, we are a clueless set of people who never seem to value the life of a person; after all that is the only thing we have in abundance (of course, in addition to the terrorist attacks).

Back again!

I just realized that it has been ages since I wrote anything!

A spasmic urge while reading some stuff prompted me to vomit something urgently on my space here.

Cant say that my work kept me away from Bloggersville...I wish I could say that! :-)

I just have been my usual rank lazy self..in fact of late I have developed an enviable expertise in sleeping anywhere, anytime..and find it extremely difficult to squeeze in anything constructive between my multiple sleeping sessions.

The nearest I came to doing anything constructive in the past few months has been to learn to cook! No big deal..dal fry, omelette, rice..but that's like a quantum leap for someone who's greatest culinary achievement has been frying peanuts! Thanks to a nagging roomie(KK the DOG), I will not have to do the dishes every day.

Yeah, I learned to drive...I get confused between the accelerator and the brake, cant park the car and find it difficult to turn or change lanes..but in between numerous lapses, I actually manage.

And a month back I went all the way near Gustav to get evacuated. A thriller of how a vacation in Florida turned into an Evac(u)ation. We had plans to party at a city which was quickly turning into a ghost town...and then I was part of probably the biggest evacuation drive here..(2 million left Louisiana in 2 days!). More on this thriller later.

I left a company which I thought I would never leave, jumped from 2 airplanes(One with a parachute), jet skied on lake Shasta, saw some amazing places along the pacific coast and fell in love with my work multiple times.

I guess I have vomited enuf for the day and its time to sleep..will be back in a few days with full length cover stories and much more..

Stay tuned!

Jodha Akbar

Jodha Akbar. The only thing short about this movie is the title.

4 hour long movie with an interval after 2 hours! Dialogues long enough to be disqualified in many elocution competitions. Rooms the size of a railway station in forts of incomprehensible dimensions. 6 foot hunk, huge emperor of India romancing a stunning princess who was born with a ring to her nose which grew into a cycle tyre by the time she was 18 (I bet Ash would have undergone a plastic surgery to get her sagging nose back to shape after a breathtaking weightlifting act with her nose).

And plates!! Akbar and his generals eat in plates big enough to feed a dozen elephants for a few weeks!

I missed about 10 mins of the start thanks to my hunt for a burger. But what is 10 mins..in an Ashutosh Gowariker's movie - may be a dialogue or two or a single stroll of the hero. Strolls, JA is as much about romance as about the lonely walks of Akbar. It is already 12 hours since I saw the movie and the picture that comes to my mind is that of Hritik walking leisurely through his grand forts.

Okay..the story is this - Jalaaluddin (There are actually 5 prefixes and 26 suffixes to his name, which fortunately werent taken in every introduction to Akbar..else..I would have been in the theater even now :D) in his quest to bring the whole of India under the Moghul rule agrees to marry a Raput Princess (hhmm..how can anyone do otherwise if the princess is as beautiful as Ash). This marriage transforms Akbar into the first Muslim ruler of India winning the hearts of Indian masses(There is a song...in praise of Akbar..which looks like the first version of Milein Sur Mera tumhaaraa....people from most parts of India..performing before the emperor).

Jodha, it seems had to actually get converted to Islam and take the title Mairam-Uz-Zamani and was actually the third and not the last wife of Akbar. And he wasnt all that "Aman savvy" as shown in the movie.

Putting the question of the authenticity of the story aside, Ashutosh does a decent job in keeping people in the theater for 4 hours even after blowing a love story into such a lengthy saga. All the grandeur did pay off! :-)

At a few moments you feel that AG is blissfully unaware of a highly developed field in modern day cinema known as editing. You cant help feeling that you are seeing a chronicle of the protaganist's life :D

I pray he doesnt make a movie about Atal Bihari Vajpaaye or Jyoti Basu..the movie tickets would have to be booked along with hotel rooms :-)

Well..it seems there was an editor..Ballu Saluja..watch out for this guy..he will ensure you will see two movies at the price of one!

Finally, if you plan to watch this movie, please take care of these things

1. U r not concentrating on understanding the dialogues - its very tough!! People come up with these well crafted, superbly pronounced stuff seconds before they die! :D Just go by the flow..you know the story anyways! :-)

2. Dont go for a second show - its very difficult to find an auto by the time the movie ends....a good idea if you had to go for a second show is wait for a couple of hours for dawn to break.

3. U can sleep off very comfortably at any time. As my friend figured out, even after taking a nice nap, Hritik was still looking at Ash with those expectant eyes(Aaaah...its a real sight..seeing Ash and Hritik look at each other without saying much for months! :D)