Run'a'way Dog!

March 27, 2008.

9 20 PM.

Bangalore HAL Airport.

I hate the boarding queues. Walking through those cramped, dome topped lanes always makes me feel like being led as a specimen into an experimental chamber. Glass doors, a few skeletons and hairy, psycho scientists working on wierd instruments; ek dam 80's bollywood style wealthy villain's setup.

Things can be a bit different if you know that 2 hot KingFisher air hostesses would welcome you aboard at the end of the lane. And things can be very different if you get to see Deepika Padukone from within 2 meters while you conjure up all those gory images! Yes I saw Deepika for a few moments(Contrary to my expectation, she looked human and was hotter than Chennai!) and even before I could start drooling, she was escorted into a different plane.

N series fones were suddenly in demand as people around me frantically clicked her as if she was going to leave her human form in a few minutes and metamorphose into an ostrich.

I am a true American when it comes to moments like these - I do not waste precious time in saving the moment in a camera, but savor the beauty in front of me as long as I can; its a completely different matter that the alarm was the most advanced feature in my Nokia 1100.

Before I forget, let me tell you that I hate Ranbir Kameena Kapoor.

"Welcome to the KingFisher XXX flight to Hyderabad. This is Mmopi, your captain. The weather is pleasant in Hyderabad and its going to be 60 minutes from take off to landing. Sit back and enjoy your journey with us! blah blah blah."

I sat back at row 15, tightened my seat belt a bit too hard for my comfort and started looking through the window as the aircraft gained speed. I heard a noise and saw a huge flash of light. Even before I realized what it was, the aircraft was wobbling vigorously like a speeding rickshaw on Hosur road. And then there was smoke...so much that I couldn't see anybody around for a few seconds and I thought about my eventual death and how ridiculous it would be to die in an aircraft which didn't even take off!! Damn..I couldn't even use my life jacket and where the **** is my mask???

"Bend down, stay down, bend down, stay down" screamed the hostesses (they were not yet the AIR hostesses u see). Their voice was more threatening than the smoke which engulfed the whole aircraft triggering a chained coughing reaction. I started to think of what to think and what not to think minutes before you die...when suddenly the back door was pushed open and out came the new screams "Jump Down..Back Door..Jump Down..Back Door". I tried to unfasten my seat belt and ****!! it doesn't come out..once..twice..thrice..shittt..I just cannot get rid of my seat belt..as I glanced back..most people had actually jumped off!

Now this would be a real chindi chor death I thought, if the plane blasts off with me left inside trying to pull my seat belt off!! I shouted for help..once..twice..thrice..and here came the hostess to my rescue as she let me free in just a single try!!(I still cant understand why I couldn't pull my belt off myself in the first place!)

And I ran..albeit the last one to do so and jumped off from the 6 foot high platform onto the runway. "Run off" shouted the hostess like the "GO" in a running competition. It was a sight to see nearly 20 people run ahead of you across the runway for a new lease of life! Enter the grass and as I saw people falling ahead of me, I quickly realized that I had volunteered to be part of a thrilling new game to reach a safe point away from the runway running through the grass with minimal light and a huge number of ditches hidden by the grass. All the 25 of us finally did finish the game(although a few lost crucial points for getting injured in multiple pits) to reach a pathway, nearly 300 meters away from the runway to catch a glimpse of our flight which somehow refused to take off. If you know the aircraft lingo , the landing gear was very badly damaged and for the rest, the aircraft looked like an injured lizard with its front limbs cut off.

Ambulances..fire extinguishers..police...reporters..and we were off to where I saw Deepika.

It was only after a few minutes that I got the biggest shock of the day! WE WERE HIT BY A DOG!!!

A DOG! Yeah a f***ing freaked up dog it was which decided to take its life along with 30 humans and a huge machine.

A dog on a runway??? Is it possible? Was it the only animal around or were we sharing the runway with the Bangalore Zoo? And were we the first to be attacked by a.. suicide dogger..like a suicide bomber?

It didn't make any sense instantly, but as I recollected the cumulative loss that the canines next door caused to me all through my life, everything started falling in place; it was not completely incredible, I thought.

Dogs; they come in different breeds, with varying colors, heights, attitudes and propensities...and they all stink!!

I have feared dogs for as long as I can remember; my worst nightmares till date have had lots of dogs in them; I woke up at least a dozen times trying to run as fast as I could from a bunch of street dogs. And here I was, waiting at the airport for many hours as a jehadi suicide bomber of a dog wanted to take a stroll on the runway.

Some of my favorites..

My favorite food - Hot Dogs

My favorite book - How to kill 200 dogs in 2 minutes?

My favorite pastime 1 - Collecting stones that can hurt the dogs the most.

My favorite pastime 2 - Hitting the dogs from the 1st floor with these stones until its time to get back to pastime 1.

My favorite one-liner - Dogs and bitches not allowed.

I hate Maneka Gandhi.

And I have no regrets!

WTF!!

I just cant believe this..

3 more blasts in the last 4 days and a monstrous stampede!

When will all this end?? Do we have a plan?

I m depressed and don't have any more words!